Around one year ago, I was about to check off a key milestone of my life, graduation.
Leading up to the ceremony, I was happy and proud of how far I had come. I was cherishing my last moments on campus- taking my last walks to the rose garden, and ordering potato wedges at the crowded Tims next door.
However, as we all have experienced, life tends to throw obstacles at us when we are least expecting it. Coincidentally, at this time, life decided to swing by my front doorstep unannounced.
Two days before the ceremony, I experienced the sudden loss of a close family member.
Like the feeling of swimming between cold and warm waters, I found myself going back and forth between various contrasting emotions. On one side of the ocean, I was sinking into shock and grief. On the other end, my relief and excitement with graduation was drifting on the surface. The most drastic of them all was my emotions of happiness versus sorrow. This was not the first time in my life I had felt this way. Yet, it was the first where I felt mature enough to properly recognize and process how I felt.
I felt like I was spinning endlessly on a dice of emotions. This didn’t sit right with me. I felt an overbearing need to choose to focus on one or the other. I was convinced that otherwise, I would not be fully present in acknowledging what was happening.
While I floated within and in between these feelings, I was also simultaneously lost in my thoughts.
“At this moment, what should I focus on?”, “Why are two contrasting events taking place in my life?”, “What am I supposed to feel?”, “Is it bad, selfish, or disrespectful to myself or others to focus on one event over the other?”, “Was I, and should I process these events in a certain way?”, “Will my processing follow my values?”, “Would I regret not feeling one way or the other?”, “Can I properly process everything right now?”, “What does it even mean to properly process?”.
However, as I reflected further, I realized, the best course of action was to simply allow myself to co-exist between it all.
It was the truth that I was feeling everything. Each and every emotion I felt was valid, worthy, and true to who I was. It was not wrong for me to feel both happy and sad simultaneously. To force myself to prioritize one event or feeling over the other, meant I was silencing a part of myself. In addition, feeling more of one thing, or another in one moment, did not mean I was not making the best choice for myself, or that I was a bad person/family member. Rather than pinpointing and instructing myself to think or feel a certain way, I knew I just needed to ride it out, because this unpredictable sea would eventually stabilize into calmer waters.
Reflecting upon this moment a year later, I recognize the importance of carrying this principle with me in all areas of my life. As humans, we experience things that are beyond our choice and control. Whether it is happening to us, or we are empathizing with those around us, taking it day-by-day, emotion-with-emotion, or emotion-by-emotion, is one way to navigate challenging times.
If you ever find yourself torn between strikingly different sides, or you find yourself wanting to control the chaos inside, I hope you find the grace and peace in yourself to just sit, and feel all that you feel.
If you made it here, I hope you enjoyed this piece. Although shorter, it is more emotional and personal than my first article. This was one of my biggest takeaways in 2023 and I wanted to share this lesson :)
Wishing everyone a warm and happy spring~
Sincerely,
Lily
